I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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