So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
