I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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