i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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