By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I party with great urgency now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
