I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
