why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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