dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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