just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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