the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I supernannyed him into submission
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize