If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
