i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
