you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
