Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
