why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
