yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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