You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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