I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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