the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
