OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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