I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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