Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
