Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
