theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
