I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
