I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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