Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
