The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
