There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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