my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
