do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize