i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
