A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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