i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
