There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
