so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
