dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
