Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize