I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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