I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
