i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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