I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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