made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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