Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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