There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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