I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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