The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
