if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
