They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
