My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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