omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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