I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
