Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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