I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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