I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
